The Dating Formula That Intuitively Works
This is part 2 of our series on finding love. [Read part 1 here: "Love Actually Happens When You're MOST Expecting It"]
In part one, I ranted about the paradoxical "love happens when you least expect it" advice that creates shame spirals and keeps you feeling broken.
Then, I left you with this: Love absolutely happens when you expect it, because you want it, because you know your life is infused with it—just not from every random person who buys you a mediocre cup of coffee.
So how you actually do it? It's shockingly simple:
The key to successful dating as an intuitive human is having clear standards and expanded expectations.
Think of it as a dating equation:
Expectations = your detailed wishlist, your what, surface-level who. (finance, 6'4," blue eyes with a beach house)
Standards = your why, your purpose, and your core values (adventurous spirit, competent confidence, honest humility)
Process = how you discover if you’re actually compatible aka if they’re The One (trusting your intuition vs. forcing luck luster connections)
Hopeful expectations vs. lived reality is where dating usually falls apart…
… and how you’re left feeling insane, dating the same fixer uppers over and over again.
Expectations are the pre-loaded assumptions you bring to every first date. They're that mental checklist you're secretly ticking off between sips of overpriced G&Ts.
And they’re not inherently a bad thing!! They’re a reflection of our dreams, our deeper desires, and values. But they can keep us too focussed on the what and not the why (which is essential).
Expectations can set you up for disappointment because:
They're based on fantasy, not reality
They keep you focused on what's missing instead of what's present
They turn dating into an interview process rather than an adventure of authentic discovery
Remember Charlotte from Sex and The City? She thought Trey was her Prince Charming—wealthy doctor, perfect pedigree—but she ended up le mis and then they le divorced. Then she met Harry—a bald sweaty lawyer who wasn't even remotely her "type"—and he turned out to be everything she didn’t know she wanted.
That’s what happens when you let go of surface expectations and expand your specific qualifications to include different manifestations of what you yearn for in partnership. Your surface expectations might get shattered, but your deeper standards will be met. Then, your swoon-worthy romance will be secured.
When you soften and expand your expectations of your present, you can recognize alignment or lack of compatibility, and open up to more possibility. Think: this or something better.
Your standards are your non-negotiable North Star, so stop lowering them.
High standards are the reflection of someone who knows themselves and their values deeply. Clear standards. Aligned standards. Defined standards.
“I see it, I want it, I like it, I got it.”
Your standards reflect your deepest values—the relationship qualities that matter at 2:46am when you’re on the brink of a meltdown, you just got into a fight with your mom, and the real messy parts of life are happening.
It’s Benny Blanco gushing over Selena, “I know what she needs… she wants to talk to me before she goes to bed, she wants me to say ‘I love you’, she wants me to text her if I wind up having to stay somewhere two hours late.”
When your standards are crystal clear, you know you need someone who:
Values growth over comfort (and wants to find comfort and deeper connection in the growth).
Communicates directly instead of assuming mind-reading (news flash: you need to teach people how to love you.)
Approaches conflict as collaboration, not combat (and centers safety, repair, and connectedness through it all).
These aren't arbitrary preferences—they're requirements for emotional health and relationship success.
If I distilled every single psychic reading, coaching session, book I've read, or workshop I've taught on finding The One into a single sentence it would be this:
The people in your life are mirrors and your purpose for being alive is to be living as and constantly becoming your favorite version of yourself—you find The One by becoming The One.
So, never lower your standards. In fact, raise them. Do so by getting clearer about who you are, what brings you to life, and what you need to live your favorite life.
Your Favorite Self is the key to magnetizing the RIGHT kind of love into your life.
The Love of Your Life will show up automatically when you start to live your favorite life because you know what you want, why you want it, and are constantly intuitively designing how you want it to happen.
When you’re your Favorite Self, there’s no need to desperately look for The One, wondering if you’ll accidentally rear end them on Tuesday.
Your Favorite Self is the most authentic, aligned version of you—the person you are when you're living according to your deepest values, listening to your intuition, and showing up in the world without apology. The Favorite Self is the integration of the Younger Self, Shadow Self, Higher Self, Future Self, and Inner Self. Magnetic, limitless, effortlessly vibrant, unstoppable. Being your Favorite Self is not about being perfect; it's about being genuinely you, the version that makes you feel most alive and at home in your own skin.
When I stopped forcing "cool-girl-pick-me-ghost-in-a-shell" energy and embraced my quirky, ambitious, slightly-too-loud, overly friendly, and sometimes bro-y Favorite Self, dating transformed. As evidence, I despised the dating apps (they felt inauthentic) and wanted to meet people in the wild. And as a result, I met my last three dates at:
A powerpoint party where I presented on my favorite book of poetry (that I would've previously been too embarrassed to attend).
A DJ set I attended with my bestie for her birthday because we wanted to go shake booty, not just to meet someone
A friend's dinner party where I proclaimed my obsession with Taylor Swift, and he said, “I’ll be your Travis” (it was cute in the moment…)
Each connection I make continues to be more and more aligned than the last. Why? I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not — I’m actually trying to be more and more myself. Each person I meet that where I feel potential brewing is an opportunity for me to become even more clear and aligned on what I want, why I want it, and how I want it to unfold.
Finding love isn’t about lowering your expectations of and for love in your life but lowering your expectations of the strangers you meet.
That way if they don’t meet your standards, it’s not that deep. You just say, “it was nice to meet you!” and you move on to the next, even more aligned, potential forever bestie.
Love exists everywhere. You can expect love from life because love always exists within life. The issue isn't expecting love—it's expecting that the Hinge match you've been texting for 3.5 business days is The One.
Bestie, that person is a stranger. You simply do not have enough information yet to know if they're meeting your expectations. That requires time, intuition, and discernment.
Expecting every random Joe or Joelina that you meet to be the Love of Your Life is creating unnecessary barriers to building genuine connection. Your expectations pull you out of the present moment—the only place where true, wondrous, and mind-altering connection happens.
You are going to meet the love of your life. Your desire is the only sign you need that it's inevitable.
The journey becomes enjoyable when you trust this truth while staying grounded in the present reality of each interaction.
When you align what you want with why you want it with how you make it happen, not only do you finally start to enjoy the process, but the process becomes easier, you actually enjoy the experience of dating, and you get outcomes you actually want.
AKA, you find Your One and become your Favorite Self at the same time.
